Long post ahead, just a bunch of rambling for now!
Ever since this cycle started, I've been feeling a lot better emotionally. I've been thinking a lot about ways to honor Sunny. I started a journal about three days before I started miscarrying, and I wrote in it that one time, again a few days after I started bleeding, and then once more. I will continue to write in it whenever I feel the urge to do so. I also have a "memory box" which will not have very much in it, but that is okay. It has probably 20-30 pregnancy tests right now. I did the same thing with Audrey....kind of weird, but that's okay.
Last week, a family member brought over a white Bible. It was personalized and said "Baby Martin 2014" on it, and it really meant a lot to me. I've held it close a few times already while crying, and it really helps me feel close to Sunny. It is the next best thing since I can't actually hold him. I was also told by a friend about www.projectbear.com. They send you a free teddy bear...it doesn't matter if you had a miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. (I donated a few dollars and plan to do so again when I can, and I definitely will after the birth of my rainbow baby. It is a great organization.) I will definitely be holding that bear close when I get it.
I will also be getting a tattoo one day for Sunny (which is crazy, because I have none and always said I would never get one), but I don't know what I want yet. It needs to be perfect! A few years down the road I want to add something for Audrey and the next baby too, so it needs to be something that won't look strange when something else is added.
On to another topic...I would be 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It is a crazy thought. TimeHop shows me every few days what I would look like if I was pregnant right now (since Audrey and Sunny had the same due date, two years apart). It hurts a little, but it also helps in a way, because it gives me hope. Pregnancy announcements still sting, but they don't hurt quite as bad as they did before.
As of right now, I am on cycle day 8 (cd8) and doing fine. I finished my soy isoflavones last night, and am now working on staying hydrated before ovulation. It's kind of hard, because (TMI****) I have only seen EWCM twice in my life, so I really have to try quite a bit to see it. The second time I saw it (this is while checking internally, mind you, I don't ever see it externally) was when I got pregnant with Sunny, and I worked my butt off for that. As in...drinking 80+ ounces of water/juice a day, taking guafinesin, and EPO (evening primrose oil) so I am doing all of that again. The main reasons this sucks:
1) you have to pee ALL. THE. TIME. Which is fine, because I'm trying to get pregnant and will be peeing all of the time anyway whenever that happens.
2) If you want to take OPK's, which I do, because I never know when I will ovulate, then your pee is watered down if you drink a ton. Which makes the OPK's inaccurate. So you have to drink a lot of water for the first couple of hours, pee a few times and drink nothing/limit your intake, wait 3-4 hours (I can usually make it about 3, 4 is out of the question), take an OPK, then drink a ton more water. In other words...you have to drink a ton only during certain parts of the day, which means you are constantly peeing and drinking. It's all worth it.
3) I suddenly got really bad allergies right before my period started. I can't sleep at night because my throat is incredibly itchy and raw. The sneezing during the day is tolerable, but the itchy raw throat isn't. I caved and took an allergy pill last night, but I can't take anymore because they dry up your mucus. ALL of your mucus. So I'm going to be pretty miserable until ovulation (which could be two weeks away).
Anyway, lastly...I took my first OPK today and it wasn't positive, but it was darker than I expected it to be. It could be because of the soy. So I will definitely have to take one every day from here on out. I also made myself a chart for my meds/water/etc so I can highlight the square when I've taken each medicine, and drank each bottle of water, etc. I like to stay organized with all of that stuff, because it is really easy to forget!