Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I am struggling.

I'm on cycle day 2.

I need to decide if I am taking soy this month. But I can't. With the soy, I ovulated earlier and experienced a major symptom of high progesterone that I don't get now that I've had Audrey. I have so many issues right now, but nobody will check them. To get tests done again, I "need" two or three losses. I only have one, and I don't want anymore. Or I need to "try" for a few more months. This means I can either take the soy once or twice more, which can harm my thyroid (and I already have hypothyroidism), not take it and possibly have more losses, or stop trying until I can get tests done. All of these are horrible choices for different reasons. I don't want to stop trying, I want to trust God. I have so much anxiety and I am scare to death of losing another baby. What if it could have been avoided? I know I have hormonal issues and I told them this BEFORE my loss, before my pregnancy and was shrugged off. I told them this before Audrey and got pregnant before they could finish testing me, but had two things come back too high. Why won't they just test me again?

I could switch doctors, but that would mean switching out of the office since I've already switched a few times (due to my old doctor not delivering babies anymore and another refusing me treatment for PPD) and the one I have now is pretty much my only choice for a VBAC in our area. A VBAC is important to me.

So many decisions. But the main things that hurt are 1) knowing I tried to do something and if someone had listened, my baby *may* not have died. 2) not knowing what God is wanting me to do. I just don't know. My heart says try the soy again or try to get tests done again, but I tried before and that didn't work.

I am leaning towards taking the soy this cycle and then switching doctors in a month or two if nothing had happened. I'm not risking another miscarriage. If it is something preventable and it is something I can have some control over, then I am going to do what I can.

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