Saturday, September 13, 2014

TTC after a miscarriage...It's not easy.

Trying to conceive after a miscarriage is not easy. The past few days have been full of lots of emotions...excitement, sadness, anger, and more. I let myself believe that there was no way I couldn't be pregnant this cycle, and unfortunately, that's not the case. I knew better than to do that to myself. I put myself in this position.

If you do a quick search, you'll find that the probability of conception during each cycle varies. Many websites say different things. For a healthy woman in her 20's, I've found 20-33%. Those numbers are obviously very low, but still high enough to feel positive about. I practically drowned myself in water this cycle. I took soy isoflavones again. I took evening primrose oil. I took Robitussin.I used PreSeed. I used opk's. In the TWW, I kept warm. I wore sweatpants, and two pairs of socks, and ate soup, and drank room temperature water (which was really hard for me to do since I love ice cold water). I did everything in order to help things along. Absolutely everything I could, but unfortunately pregnancy wasn't in the cards for this month.

I'm only 9dpo today, and I know "you're not out until AF shows", "but that's so early" etc. However, I have a shorter luteal phase, and AF should be here on Monday, Tuesday if I'm lucky. With Sunny, I had a disappearing line at 8dpo and a definite faint line by 9dpo. With Audrey, I only tested at 11dpo, but I had good, dark lines by then that would have probably showed up at 8dpo, and would have definitely showed up at 9dpo. I don't get fourteen or fifteen day luteal phases to wait and see if an embryo decides to implant late. If I don't get a test early, my body is already washing it all out. I'd say I'm about 99% out this cycle.

I know I have it "better" than a lot of women do. I haven't been trying to conceive for very long. But trying to conceive after a loss is frustrating, especially when you have to work for it. I wish I could just "relax" and get pregnant, but I can't. I'm also scared of just relaxing. I'm so scared of another miscarriage. I want to get pregnant, I want to have a baby, but having a miscarriage takes all of the "fun" out of it. I already know the second that I see that second line, whenever that happens, I won't feel that immediate excitement. I'll feel fear. It's so hard wanting something so badly, but being incredibly scared of it.

After my test this morning, which was as white as it could be, all I felt was failure. I feel like my body failed me during Audrey's birth that ended in cesarean and post-partum depression. I feel like my body has failed me because it doesn't produce fertile cervical mucus. It ovulates later than it should sometimes and it doesn't leave quite enough time for conception to occur...the cervical mucus issue combined with the luteal phase issue means less chance of egg meeting sperm, and less chances of that egg/sperm combo implanting. I feel like my body has failed me because when I did get pregnant again, I miscarried.

I haven't quite decided what to do next cycle yet. But I do know that I'm not working my butt off again. I don't have the energy right now to do it, maybe after a break I will. As of now my thoughts are to buy another $23 tube of PreSeed and take some opk's. I'll obviously drink water, but I'm not going to consume my thoughts with "DID I DRINK ENOUGH WATER TODAY? OH NO, I'M 6 OUNCES SHORT". It didn't work for me anyway, so as I've considered before, my problems are probably hormonal since I get abundant cervical mucus in the TWW. I can't do anything about that.

I suppose next cycle will be my version of "relaxing".

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