Monday, January 5, 2015

Still just in disbelief.

There are so many things going through my head today. I have been taking this loss well. I don't know how. This summer, I was a mess from the second that I started bleeding. A complete mess. I think somehow with the low FHR, the partial spotting, the loss of symptoms... it prepared me. Then, seeing for myself that my baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat on the ultrasound probably helped as well. I didn't just randomly start gushing blood. However, everything is really starting to hurt.

I found out that our baby, Annalee Hope (we will call "her" Hope), passed away on Wednesday. New Year's Eve. The next morning around 5am, I woke up to pee and had already began spotting. Unfortunately, it is now Monday afternoon, and I am still just spotting. It was bright red early this morning (from midnight-6am) but is now brown again. This isn't happening on it's own, so per my doctors orders, we will be going for a d&c tomorrow morning.

I am petrified. I know a d&c isn't that big of a deal...but to me, it feels like it. I have a phobia of surgery, that is why I had such a hard time with my c-section. I was awake for the c-section, but will be put under for this, which is a good thing. I feel so sad. I'm hurting so much inside knowing that my baby is going to be taken out of me. I wish that I could bury Hope. See her. I know she is tiny...but I hate that I am carrying my sweet baby inside of me right now and I hate knowing how she will be removed. It just feels disrespectful to me. I know my baby is gone and all that is left is her body. But it hurts. I just hope she knows that I love her and that I'm so sorry. I think that another reason I was taking this so well until today was that...while my baby has passed away, I hadn't started bleeding yet. My baby is still there and I feel pregnant in some ways still, because technically I am. But now I will go have this surgery. When I get there, I will be pregnant, and when I wake up, I won't be pregnant anymore. And yet again...I will not have a baby to hold.

This just feels like a nightmare. I think I am still partially in shock - I feel like this can't really be happening to me again. But it is, and it sucks.

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