Friday, February 6, 2015


I will start out by saying that we have all hurt people, myself included. That is life. Anyone who says they haven't hurt someone else's feelings is a liar - it doesn't matter if it was intentional or not. There is a line, and if anyone crosses it multiple times with me, I will no longer have any patience with them. Why? Because saying one or two things that hurt is one thing. If you keep on hurting me, I can no longer see it as accidental, and I know that is how pretty much anyone would be! I feel like a select few really enjoy feeling superior to others. A couple of people are rubbing salt in my wounds, and it no longer feels accidental. I don't think anyone should let others continually hurt them. It isn't acceptable - ever!

I know that *most* people I deal with do not understand what this situation feels like. It's hard to understand if you haven't been there - and even if you know someone who has, you still cannot fully grasp the pain, the huge hole in your heart, and your eyes filling with tears when you hear or read specific things. Sadly, a couple of the people who have said the most horrible things to me have had a miscarriage. It is like they have another child, or children, and they forget what it feels like, so they say the "wrong" thing. Let me tell you - after my first loss, my eyes were opened (even though I never would have said most of those things before the loss). After the second loss, that pain is even deeper and I feel like there is so much that is done and said, and I truly cannot even comprehend how some see it as okay.

So to the point - I won't type out super specific things that were said to me, but I have to use one as an example. The first thing that really hurt came the day that we found out we lost Hope. Our second a row. MINUTES after I announced that loss (and just a few hours after finding out), I was immediately sent a message on Facebook with someone asking me for advice because she was pregnant (she hadn't announced it yet, so I didn't know, which felt like a slap in the face). 95% of the message was questions for me about my losses because she was worried, and of course she ended it with miscarriage being common and that the time wasn't right for me, even if I thought it was. Never mind I'd just had two in a row, which has about a 2-5% chance of happening, but she obviously didn't know that more than one in a row isn't common, especially at my age.

See what I mean? I would never say any of that to someone. Maybe that is why I get so upset. I've had a few people tell me that people don't know how to be empathetic if they haven't experienced it, but a few have and are still this way. It comes down to common sense, and some do not have any, apparently. I really do try to forgive and forget, and I have with some, but you can only forgive and forget so many times!

These are a few other things that I have heard that hurt deeply:

"I am SO incredibly blessed to be pregnant with this healthy baby": {Common pregnancy Facebook status. Any version of this. I LOATHE Facebook statuses that say "I am so blessed" when talking about pregnancy.} I know what is probably trying to be said here. You are either saying it without thinking, or you are saying it thinking that since some of is can't have babies or are having a very hard time having them, that you are letting everyone know that you aren't taking it for granted. What it sounds like is "I am so blessed that I am pregnant with a healthy child. You aren't blessed, because you aren't." A lot of people would say that I'm nitpicking and I'm too sensitive, but go to any infertility or recurrent loss forum and ask that. Most people will agree that it hurts.

"At least now you won't be pregnant when...", "At least now you won't be big when...": There is no at least. I don't care if I'm pregnant when I go on vacation. I don't care if I can't drink on vacation. I don't care if I'm huge in July, hot and super swollen, insanely miserable. I lost my child. My baby died...there is no at least. I'd trade my vacation a million times for my babies.

"You should feel lucky. Other people have it worse": I should feel lucky that two of my babies died? I'm not really sure how that is even okay to say. Yes, I know that other people have it worse. First of all, that is a matter of opinion. Second of all, yes, I know that some people are homeless, starving, dying of cancer. I know some people have had more than two miscarriages. Some have had stillbirths, or even had their children die after years of knowing them. There is pain and heartache in this world that is absolutely indescribable. But that doesn't mean that I cannot hurt. I'm allowed to grieve!

Minimizing someone's loss doesn't help anything, it hurts even more. A general rule of thumb is to stop for a few seconds and think "What would I want someone to do/say for me? Should I say (insert phrase here)? Would that hurt me or help me if the situation was reversed?" and go from there. Everyone is different, so it still may not be the perfect thing to say, but it is usually not going to be painful if you stop first.

A hug, a hand-written note, a basket of goodies, a dinner they can easily reheat, etc. are all good things to do for someone who is going through loss (I know some people don't know, but it really does feel like the loss of a loved one you have known for your entire life for some of us. There are tears for hours on end sometimes, you don't want to get up and face the world. For me, even weeks and months later I will just randomly break down.). If you don't know what to say, just hold them tight and do something nice for them. Those things are honestly the best things to do. If you don't have the right words (and I know that they are hard to have in awkward, sad situations) then just say that you don't know what to say. We understand. We are thankful for the honesty, I promise.

I am thankful for everyone that has said the right thing, for everyone that has tried their hardest to say the right thing, and for those that have caught their words and apologized. I am also thankful for the ones that hugged me, prayed for me, and checked up on me. So absolutely thankful for the love and support that I've had!

If you're reading this and are now pissed off that I wrote about what you said, then...sorry not sorry. If you didn't want me to tell anyone, you should have known better than to have said it.


  1. Hi Tarynnemarie- I come and read your blog periodically. I am so sorry for your loss. I truly know what it feels like to be wanting a child so badly. I have had a couple of miscarriages myself. My husband and I have been trying for 10 years! You are one really knows what it is like to lose a baby unless it has happened to them. People do say silly things and you just wonder....what the heck??? My husband was just recently diagnosed with cancer and yet again someone said thank goodness you are not pregnant or have kids. I have learned throughout my years that I really have to tune out those people. Unfortunately those people just don't and won't understand. You have every right to grieve! It certainly took me some time and at times it still hurts. I have learned that it's ok for it to hurt. I basically wanted to say.... Some of the most comforting words in the universe are “me too.” That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. — Unknown
    I only hope for the best for you, even though I don't know you personally. God bless :)

    1. Oh wow, you are dealing with a lot! I am so sorry about your husband. I truly hope that everything will be okay. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Plus ten years trying for a baby...I am starting to realize how much of a miracle my daughter is. I can't even fathom how people have healthy pregnancies even though I have had one. It seems impossible. I am starting to wonder if we had started trying for children ten years from now instead if I would have been able to have even one. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but you're right, some of the most comforting words are "me too". Thank you for your comment and I am sending you and your husband lots of hugs, prayers, and well wishes.

  2. I am sorry for your loss. I've had a first trimester miscarriage and just lost my twins at 20 and 22 weeks and definitely understand what you are saying here. My own personal addition is people asking, in a cheery voice, "How are you?" You know, the I don't really want to hear anything depressing right now voice. I have no response to that. I have started shrugging or avoiding answering all together by asking another question. Sometimes people are awful. I try to balance my feelings out by reflecting on the kindness some folks have shown but sometimes my anger gets the best of me... Thanks for sharing your experiences in your blog, I'm sorry you are experiencing this loss.

  3. Oh, I am so sorry. My losses have definitely changed me, I can't imagine losing twins that far along though. <3 Hugs sent your way. That is one of my worse nightmares.

    I also hate is like nobody REALLY wants to know how you are. I do the same thing you do. I also had someone text me a few weeks ago to ask if I still made baby headbands. I told her I didn't and she was like "oh okay, just wondering before I spend my money somewhere else. Hope you're well!!! :) " I know she probably didn't think about it, but NO, I'm not well!!! She knew about our losses too and we had just had the second. I wouldn't have said "hope you're well!! :)" to someone who had just been through that. Gah.

    It really is hard, usually I hide my feelings but it gets harder every day.