It has been a rough year.
We quit birth control last January, but weren't actively TTC, just not preventing. We originally wanted to wait until fall of 2014 to TTC (or, rather, my husband did), but I finally convinced him, after begging since A was probably eight months old, to try sooner. We assumed it would take six to nine months like A did. We started truly TTC (in our case this means adding PreSeed) on April 7. It has now been over a year. Hearing the doctor say the words "secondary infertility" at my appointment a few days ago...it hurt. I never thought I would be here. I thought, even though I worried, that I would take months to get pregnant, and carry to term. But here we are, a year out from TTC, with two angel babies (plus a possible chemical pregnancy last month, plus a for sure chemical before Audrey that I try not to think about) and a whole lot of heartache.
Today I am 9-10dpo (no way to tell for sure, thank you insomnia!), with a BFN. No surprise there, really. My heart is already breaking from seeing a negative test. At first I feel like a whiny baby because it is only our second month of trying since we lost Hope...but then I remember, it has been a year, and I'm DAMN well done, pardon my language.
While I'm feeling pretty down, I did get some good news this week at my consult. So I'm trying not to let myself fall to deep into the pit of despair. First off, the waiting area was so much different than my old OB waiting area. The receptionists were sweet as pie, which I loved. When I went back, I talked to the nurse, and I really like her too. The doctor was as someone said...not very personable. He isn't perfect by any means - he agreed with my old OB that a progesterone level of 7 isn't bad, and that he doesn't believe in luteal phase defects, either. I wasn't too happy about that, but he did say that since I've had two losses and I'd feel most comfortable on progesterone, that he was fine with prescribing it. Then, he told me that three losses is normally when RPL testing is done, but I stopped him there and told him I'd already had it done. He asked to look at my results, read over my MTHFR, and I told him that my old OB said my MTHFR won't cause miscarriages, won't check my homocysteine levels until I'm pregnant, and refused to treat it even if they are high. He disagreed and said it definitely causes miscarriages (which I obviously know already), and that there is no reason they shouldn't have checked my homocysteine levels then. He even got his phone out and started searching for a page on MTHFR he had just read recently! I was impressed by that. In the end, he said that he wasn't super familiar with MTHFR, but he wanted to test my homocysteine levels, and he felt most comfortable referring me to an MFM to get proper treatment.
Needless to say, I was thrilled. I almost jumped up and hugged the guy! That is honestly all I want - a caring doctor. A doctor who, when not familiar with something, will admit it. A doctor who cares that his patient has lost babies and WANTS to help her, and if that means referring her to someone else for a while, then he does it. I'm just so happy, and I do have some hope now. If my levels are fine, then I'll feel a lot more comfortable about not taking lovenox.
So...obviously, I switched doctors. I go Monday to get my levels checked, and my new nurse called me yesterday to tell me that they called her back with an appointment. I missed her phone call and called back immediately. The receptionist immediately just sent my call back there to her - which NEVER would have happened at my old office. It would have been hours before I got a call back, if not the next day, even though she had just called me. She was also super sweet. I am not going to miss that office at all. This one seems so small and they act like they actually care.
So, my appointment is April 23rd, and my mom comes down around March 7th and stays until the 12th or so. Hopefully that helps keep my mind off the next cycle just a little bit. I definitely got heartbroken this cycle. I would have been due on December 23rd or 24th, and had a little baby bump in the summer, and been able to announce on Mother's Day...it was perfect. But as all of us ladies who struggle know, the "perfect timing" thing doesn't work out for us. I honestly wish every day that I was able to plan a pregnancy out. Pick a month, not worry about not being able to get pregnant or miscarrying, and ta-da! Baby!
There is still a tiny chance of being pregnant this cycle, but not much of one. With Audrey, I got a dark, dark line at 12dpo. With Sunny, I got a squinter at 8dpo and a faint, but still good, line at 9dpo. With Hope, I was about 11dpo with my first super faint line. I'd say it wasn't a "good" line until 13dpo.
Hopefully I can update soon with my homocysteine levels and be feeling super positive! :)