Thursday, April 16, 2015

It still hurts.

Infertility is such a tough battle.

It is different for anyone, yet in a lot of ways, the same. Women experiencing primary infertility think "Will I *ever* have a baby? I just want ONE baby. Is that too much to ask?" But women experiencing secondary infertility have a different problem. They know that they can get pregnant, they've done it before. They know that they can STAY pregnant (in most cases). But many people think we shouldn't hurt. We already have babies.

The sad part is, that isn't how it works. Hurting because we want another baby may seem selfish to those that can't even have one child, and that is understandable. But it is impossible not to hurt if you want another child.

Seeing your child play with her baby dolls is incredibly painful when she should already have a sibling here on Earth. Seeing her hug them, put them in bed, cover them up, change their is heartbreaking. She loves babies. Seeing her love on real babies hurts even more. I am thankful that she can't talk very well yet. Hearing her say "take baby home" is the worst it has gotten so far, I don't think I will be able to handle her asking for a brother or sister.

I feel like such a failure. Every single person I know who had their first baby within a few months of me having Audrey (besides one or two people) are pregnant again or already have another baby. One person is on her second baby since that one. I see all of these photos of toddlers kissing baby bumps, reading "big brother" or "big sister" books, and it sends a jolt of pain into my heart. Anytime I see a sibling on, say, a TV show do something sweet for a sibling (today it was an old episode of Bones), I burst into tears. I can't help it. Why can't I give her a sibling!?

I know that I am "blessed" (oh, how I hate that word...people use it incorrectly way too often) to have her. I am. I thank God for her every day. But it really does shock me daily at how easy it is for most people to have one, two, three, even more children. For most people, having children isn't an issue at all. They think "time for another baby" and 9-10 months later, there is a baby. I envy that. I really do.

I had some blood drawn two days ago, homocysteine, folate, and b12. My b12 and folate were normal, and my homocysteine was actually low. This is kind of a good thing. However, it is also very frustrating. Even though a lot of research says that I still need lovenox, a lot of doctors go against that research. I've fought so hard to get here, and most likely next week I'll be told no lovenox. This means I get to go into every pregnancy from here on out and play the "let's see what happens" game...again. I don't want to do that. Finding out that I have MTHFR has done absolutely nothing for me yet. So now, I am back where I was before. Sad and frustrated.

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