Friday, May 15, 2015

Tears today.

I'm not really sure what to title this post, and honestly, I don't even know where to start here. I feel so overwhelmed right now. Our first RE appointment went okay. I don't feel much different since we haven't even made a treatment plan yet. I mean, obviously we are GETTING somewhere, which is good, but obviously it is taking even more time and lots of money. After spending thousands already on blood work and testing, the d&c, being pregnant twice, etc...I am just already really over it.

Basically, I got to the fertility center and finished filling out all of my paperwork. We filled out a bit for my husband as well, and then went back to a room where the nurse weighed me, asked a couple of questions, and checked my blood pressure. After that, we went to our RE's office and answered questions on the miscarriages and the one for sure chemical pregnancy I had (in 2012). I almost broke down while talking about Hope. I somehow held it together - I know he is probably used to patients breaking down in front of him, but I knew that if the tears started, that they wouldn't stop for a while. He did a quick exam on me (which was terrible since I was on cd2), talked about blood work he wanted to order, and then we paid and left.

To be honest, it all felt a little bit rushed. I know after starting treatment that it will probably be a little bit different, and I know they have a lot of patients, but it felt like a "take your money and run" kind of thing. They insisted on my husband coming, but they didn't talk to him AT ALL. All he did was fill out a form saying I could receive info on any tests or procedures they do on him, yet we had to pay a co-pay since he is a patient too. It felt like a waste of money for him to be there. The testing they wanted me to have done was prolactin, TSH, OAR, genetic karyotyping, and then test for cystic fibrosis, skeletal muscular atrophy, and fragile x. We agreed to the first three and they told me they would call me with information on how much the karyotyping would cost.

I have only received my prolactin and TSH results so far, and that was this morning through the patient portal. I cried all morning. My TSH went from 1.9 in February to 5.2. To put that in perspective, it was 4.9 in June of 2012, before starting thyroid medication. That is the highest it has ever been to my knowledge, and I felt like crap then. I feel better than ever right now (besides depression and anxiety due to losing my babies).  I don't know what to do. I know they'll call me and up my dosage, which is great, but I know that your thyroid affects TTC. I'm so worried now that if I get pregnant soon, I'll miscarry again, but at the same time, I'm so upset that we may have to put TTC on hold to get this back on track. It could lower quickly, in just a few weeks (which is still an entire cycle) or it could take months depending on what is going on. I'm not happy at all. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. All of my "ttc friends" are pregnant now except for a couple that I'm not really close to. I just feel really lonely and hopeless. I know I shouldn't feel completely hopeless, but I do. It is really starting to hit me that we have so many road blocks. I have so many little things going on that it adds up to something big. This may not happen for us. We may not have a second child.

Audrey climbed up into my lap this morning and I just couldn't stop the tears. I kept apologizing over and over, even though she has no clue what is going on. She is getting older, and while she still hasn't asked for a sibling, I know it won't be very long. Last week while getting ready for bed, she picked up her Minnie Mouse, laid it down in her bed, covered her up, patted her head, and said "Little Sister". Things like that are terrible - they really get me. I want so much to just give her one sibling, and I'm so scared that I won't be able to do that. I'm scared of what the karyotyping will say, and I'm scared of my OAR results. I'm really scared of another miscarriage.

A picture from a few days ago.

The hardest part right now is not knowing for sure what caused my miscarriages. I don't know if it was a chromosomal abnormality, neural tube defect due to my MTHFR, clotting in the placenta due to my MTHFR, my thyroid, my progesterone, or something else. I don't know.

It also hurts getting on Facebook or seeing a friend somewhere who is pregnant, or has just had a baby. A lot of them have toddlers Audrey's age and told me they were "no where near" trying to get pregnant a year or more ago, and here they are. Pregnant or with a baby. It really feels like a slap in the face. I feel terrible for hurting over that, but I do. I know this is normal, but I just feel like such a failure right now. My body is failing me. My body is failing my husband. My body is failing Audrey. Most of all, my body failed my angel babies.

We are coming up on our due date with Hope now. It's only two months away. That sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. July is going to be a very painful month for me, because my TimeHop is going to be full of memories. July is when I found out I was pregnant with Audrey. I was due with Audrey and Sunny on the same day, two years apart. I'm going to see a ton of pregnancy related things starting then. July 17 is when we miscarried Sunny, July 22 is our due date with Hope. I'm not ready, I will never be ready. I just want both of them back.


  1. I'm so sorry and wish I could give you a hug! I know how stressful and challenging it is when you start to take into account how much time you've already spent trying to have a little one combined with the potential to have to wait longer.

    Don't feel terrible for hurting over the announcements. I have taken far too many breaks from Facebook because it's very difficult to see other's joy and not feel sorry for myself. One in particular really bothered me: two days after a D&C, a girl from high school posted a picture of an engagement ring and an ultrasound. She had been dating the guy for 4 months at the time. Normally I wouldn't judge in that situation, and I still didn't, but it HURT so badly to see that. We had been trying for a year and already lost 4 babies, what were we doing wrong?

    I know that we don't know one another at all, but if you ever do need someone to talk to, please let me know. RPL is such an isolating experience and no one should have to go through it without someone with a helping hand. I truly believe that.

    One other question: have they ever looked at the anatomy of your uterus? The only reason I ask is because I just had a septum discovered and resected.

    Hugs to you, sweetie and good luck with the testing. It all gets extremely expensive, but if it's going to bring you your rainbow, it will be worth it!

    1. I feel you. I already have one child, so I *know* we aren't doing anything wrong. I'm doing nothing different. I know you aren't doing anything wrong either! I just don't understand.

      As for my uterus, I've never had an HSG. I'm not sure if they'll want to do one on me or not. I was scheduled for one in July of 2012 and got a BFP just a couple of days beforehand. He did an exam and felt around my uterus and apparently it all felt fine, like no polyps he could feel I guess. When I went to the perinatologist he said an HSG was the only thing he could see that was missing from my testing. Is that what you had? I had a C-section with my daughter so part of me wonders if something happened then.

      Thank you for commenting, I'm going to follow your blog as well.