Friday, June 12, 2015

{don't give up}

I have been browsing Pinterest a lot over the past few days. I know many people use Pinterest for projects and meals, but I use it for everything. I have more boards than I care to count. Quotes, food, infertility, my angels, rainbow baby, house...and a bunch more. Quotes on miscarriage and infertility really make me feel better if I am having a bad day! I see so many quotes that speak to me. I've come across this quote so many times before, but it is one that I really just need to keep in mind, especially now.

I've told myself numerous times that if we're not pregnant by Christmas of this year, or by Audrey's third birthday, then we are done. It's over. Not only because I'm impatient, but because the thought of going through more losses makes me feel so sad. I know that if we decide to stop trying on Audrey's birthday, that it will only have been two years of trying. I know that is nothing compared to what others go through. But I feel like this has taken so much out of me already. I put all of my energy into giving her a sibling, and it is draining. These losses have hurt me more than I ever knew I could hurt.

People say "just take a few months/a year off". At first, this made me angry, because I wanted my children close together, darn it. Most people get to choose the age gap. I don't. My preferred age gap has already come and gone. That was hard at first, but since there is now thing I can do about it, I am over it. Now I think "Audrey will be able to help me, she will be able to understand what is going on when it happens. She will most likely be less of a handful. I'll have it easier than I would have before." Anything to make me feel better about it.

If I want another child so badly, a sibling for my daughter, then why am I considering giving up so easily? People often tell me how strong I am, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel incredibly weak. I feel like I hurt too much. I don't feel like I have the strength to try for years. Plus, there are other things that my husband and I have to think about. For instance, we really want to be able to give Audrey so many things. Vacations, birthday parties, a car when she is older, college. That will be so much harder to do if we are paying for RE appointments, IVF, fertility drugs, d&c's. 

I am a realistic person by nature. I always have been. I try not to always think negatively, but I can't just think positive when a lot of things seem to go wrong. So I try to think of all scenarios, that way I'm not surprised. We could still be trying in two years, and that sounds so awful to me. But I can't control it. The question is: is it worth it to try? Is it worth it to be miserable and hope there is a rainbow waiting for us eventually?

I think it is, to an extent. I can't let myself be completely wrapped up in this ordeal. I'm going to have to let go soon, for the most part. We aren't that couple that can just relax and get pregnant - I have issues that prevent that. So we have been trying very hard for the past 14+ months. But I think after Christmas or Audrey's next birthday, if we have nothing to show for it, we will probably stop trying so hard. We will let go and just let it be. That will be so hard for me to do because I feel like I have to have control over everything.

Infertility is really hard to go through, but it is definitely extra challenging when you are a control freak. I have no patience. I want a healthy baby, and I want it now. It's not fun. But at the same time, I'm already so worn out that I don't know how I can keep doing this. I don't know how other people do it. I'm trying to learn to have trust, to have patience, and to have hope. It's just so hard. But I don't think I can give up on this. It is so important to me.

I simply can't give up right now, or anytime soon. I can help myself by "taking a break", but I can't give up.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Cycle #6 since d&c

Well, another cycle is over with, and we aren't pregnant this time either.

But that's okay. It will happen again, although I'm actually a little bit scared to get pregnant this month. I would be due within a day or two of March 17. The only scary thing about it is that it would be my third March baby. It sounds cool, but I'm weird, and things like that make me nervous since we lost one of those two. Audrey was due March 13, 2013, and born on March 20. Sunny was due on March 13 as well. This is the only cycle where I feel a little but like not trying, just because of the superstitious part of it..."I lost my last March baby". We will still try, though, but I am going to actually take my RE's advice and not chart again, since all three cycles that I've been pregnant, I didn't chart (but I've done that in non-pregnant cycles a couple of times, too).

It is also incredibly odd thinking that almost exactly a year ago, Sunny was conceived. It really doesn't feel like it was that long ago. I can't believe it. Soon it will be the one year anniversary of losing Sunny, and then it will be Hope's due date a couple of days later. It is really hard thinking that most likely, I will not be pregnant for this due date, either. Even if I am, I will be scared to death of losing that baby too, because it will be so early. Late June is going to be a bit hard, and all of July is going to be terrible for me. All I can do is hope that I do get pregnant so that I will have something else to concentrate on, something positive.

We are now on cycle 6 since losing Hope, which is the longest it has been since trying to conceive this second take home baby. That is obviously preferable to conceiving in 3-4 cycles and losing it, but it still makes it really hard. It isn't exactly easy knowing your miscarriage rate is high, and you can only get pregnant once, maybe twice a year if you're lucky. All we can do is hope that the next pregnancy sticks! If not, we will definitely be doing the genetic karyotyping and then fertility meds.

This month, I've started royal jelly again and we are taking soy isoflavones yet again. This will be cycle #5 on soy isoflavones. I took them the month I got pregnant with Audrey, two cycles between losses last year, and in February and March of this year. Nothing happened any of those four times, but...maybe it will work again this time! Fingers crossed!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

RE visit #2

Our appointment yesterday did not go as I'd hoped. Our nurse apparently did not relay our message to the doctor about not doing the genetic karyotyping, because when we got there she said "tell him yourself". He was not happy with us. He didn't seem to understand that we want to concentrate on the issues we have found in the last few months. He didn't seem interested in just getting me pregnant to see if treating two different things does the job.

I do not understand doing the karyotyping. If it comes back and says that our losses are probably chromosomal (which he thinks they are) then the only choices are to keep trying and hope for the best (which we are already doing) or do IVF with PGD, which we cannot afford (as if IVF wasn't expensive enough, the PGD costs even more). Therefore, we will be in the same boat: keep trying and hope for the best. The test is also expensive. If it was relatively cheap, I would probably still do it.

When we said we probably weren't doing the karyotyping right now, he pretty much just told us to leave and come back whenever we get pregnant again, which is absolutely frustrating. We are coming up on a year and a half of trying now (it has already been a year and a half since we quit birth control) and I am mentally just done. I don't know how people do this for years and years. I know part of me hurts so fully because of our babies being gone, and that won't go away. The other part of me is hurting because I seem to be in this situation where I get less help because of our losses, and I feel like I'm slowly being pressured into IVF, which I just don't feel is necessary. I've been told three times now that my doctor pushes IVF too fast, too soon, after being told pretty much only good things before seeing him. Hence my anger and confusion now. Every doctor has mixed reviews, but wow, I did so much research on him beforehand and nobody wants to say anything negative about a doctor until someone says they are dissatisfied.

I've now been told several times to switch to the other doctor in the practice, by a few women who had to do the same because of my doctor doing similar things to them. This is aggravating for me, because while this is the first RE we have seen, it is the fourth doctor in the past year. I hate jumping around. But apparently this other RE has had a few losses herself.

At this point, my husband and I are just ready to get pregnant again and pray that it goes well. I'm so scared, but at the same time, I am ready because I'm tired of sitting here. We can't stay pregnant until we get pregnant. He can't seem to look past my losses and help in that department, so it will likely be a while before we get pregnant.

One more thing that annoyed me was that his nurse also didn't let him know we wanted a progesterone draw yesterday. Or maybe she did, and he didn't agree. I brought my chart as she said to do, and he almost rolled his eyes at it. He told me he quit using those twenty years ago and to stop charting. He offered no insight on why my cycle looks anovulatory or if it even is. He started talking about something else. Then later when I brought up my low progesterone again (7 at 7dpo a while back) he said it is low but probably isn't really low because I probably wasn't 7dpo, because charts are wrong. Back then my charts were always readable and my luteal phase was the same with AF coming the day I knew she would be here. So no help with him on my progesterone, which means the only treatment we are getting is "take a lot of folic acid" (which is also the incorrect thing to tell someone with MTHFR, so instead of a lot of folic acid, I'll be taking methylfolate).

He also said all of my OAR results were good except for my FSH, which was "really high" for my age, but didn't mention what that meant or if there was something I could do.  He had me bring my RPL results too, and he told me last time that he would order anything they missed to see if I needed heparin, and I agreed to that. Yet he read them and said it was missing some things he would have definitely ordered, and when I asked him if he wanted me to get any more, and he said "Nah" and shrugged, then mentioned the karyotyping again. That made me feel really good. So now we are also in this boat again of not knowing if I need heparin/lovenox.

To say I'm not happy would be quite an understatement. I really am losing hope.