Friday, June 12, 2015

{don't give up}

I have been browsing Pinterest a lot over the past few days. I know many people use Pinterest for projects and meals, but I use it for everything. I have more boards than I care to count. Quotes, food, infertility, my angels, rainbow baby, house...and a bunch more. Quotes on miscarriage and infertility really make me feel better if I am having a bad day! I see so many quotes that speak to me. I've come across this quote so many times before, but it is one that I really just need to keep in mind, especially now.

I've told myself numerous times that if we're not pregnant by Christmas of this year, or by Audrey's third birthday, then we are done. It's over. Not only because I'm impatient, but because the thought of going through more losses makes me feel so sad. I know that if we decide to stop trying on Audrey's birthday, that it will only have been two years of trying. I know that is nothing compared to what others go through. But I feel like this has taken so much out of me already. I put all of my energy into giving her a sibling, and it is draining. These losses have hurt me more than I ever knew I could hurt.

People say "just take a few months/a year off". At first, this made me angry, because I wanted my children close together, darn it. Most people get to choose the age gap. I don't. My preferred age gap has already come and gone. That was hard at first, but since there is now thing I can do about it, I am over it. Now I think "Audrey will be able to help me, she will be able to understand what is going on when it happens. She will most likely be less of a handful. I'll have it easier than I would have before." Anything to make me feel better about it.

If I want another child so badly, a sibling for my daughter, then why am I considering giving up so easily? People often tell me how strong I am, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel incredibly weak. I feel like I hurt too much. I don't feel like I have the strength to try for years. Plus, there are other things that my husband and I have to think about. For instance, we really want to be able to give Audrey so many things. Vacations, birthday parties, a car when she is older, college. That will be so much harder to do if we are paying for RE appointments, IVF, fertility drugs, d&c's. 

I am a realistic person by nature. I always have been. I try not to always think negatively, but I can't just think positive when a lot of things seem to go wrong. So I try to think of all scenarios, that way I'm not surprised. We could still be trying in two years, and that sounds so awful to me. But I can't control it. The question is: is it worth it to try? Is it worth it to be miserable and hope there is a rainbow waiting for us eventually?

I think it is, to an extent. I can't let myself be completely wrapped up in this ordeal. I'm going to have to let go soon, for the most part. We aren't that couple that can just relax and get pregnant - I have issues that prevent that. So we have been trying very hard for the past 14+ months. But I think after Christmas or Audrey's next birthday, if we have nothing to show for it, we will probably stop trying so hard. We will let go and just let it be. That will be so hard for me to do because I feel like I have to have control over everything.

Infertility is really hard to go through, but it is definitely extra challenging when you are a control freak. I have no patience. I want a healthy baby, and I want it now. It's not fun. But at the same time, I'm already so worn out that I don't know how I can keep doing this. I don't know how other people do it. I'm trying to learn to have trust, to have patience, and to have hope. It's just so hard. But I don't think I can give up on this. It is so important to me.

I simply can't give up right now, or anytime soon. I can help myself by "taking a break", but I can't give up.

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