Wednesday, July 29, 2015

What not to say... someone suffering from secondary infertility.

If you missed the miscarriage version, check that out here. To read a list of things people have said to me after my second loss, click here.

While I've had all of these said to me once or twice, reading fellow infertiles rant about it just makes me so angry for them. Why do people say these things? The comments I receive are almost all about my losses, but these still upset me too. As I said in my last post, I've dealt with a lot over the past year and a half. Some people are sweet and helpful even when they don't understand, some people say the wrong thing on accident, and I've come across a select few who just love to make snarky little comments because they're vindictive narcissists. Some people just love to rub the salt into your wounds and make you feel ashamed, inferior, and like a failure. Whatever the reason, you should know better than to say any of these things, and if you have said any version of them, you should really apologize. These comments are also just the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately.

1) Why can't you just be happy with the kid you have?

This one I will legitimately never understand. Like, what makes anyone say this? Every time I've had someone say it to me, it was someone with more than one child. Why did YOU have one more kid? Because you wanted one? Most likely. Most people want more than one child, and that is perfectly okay and normal. What would you do without all of your children? If you really wanted more than one child, or a big family, what would you have felt like if you couldn't have that? You would have been devastated. What you are implying is that wanting another kid makes me selfish, and that since I am infertile, I obviously don't deserve a second child. I can assure you that I do not take my child for granted. If anything, I cherish her even more because I know I may never have another child. Is it wrong of me to want her to have a sibling? I don't think so. Therefore, this is an ignorant statement to make. If you say it, prepare to lose a friend or be bitched out. You deserved it.

2) Just adopt (this one isn't really mean, just not helpful at all, and very dismissive).

I'm sorry, have you ever actually researched the adoption process? Not only is it long and not guaranteed, but it is expensive as hell (which is sad). I'm talking $30,000 or thousands of dollars more. Now, if you want to give me the money, then I will drive my ass to the nearest adoption center and start the process. Happily. Until then, don't suggest it.

3) You have one kid. You're not infertile.

The definition of infertility is "not being able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after more than a year of trying". So basically, someone who had one child and has tried for seven years to have another is still a fertile myrtle in your eyes? I've been off birth control for over a year and a half and have had two pregnancies, both of which were not successful. I have fertility issues. I've worked my butt off. But to some, I'm still super fertile. That is hilarious to me. Secondary infertility is still infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss is still infertility. If you believe that you can only be infertile if you've never had a child, or never been pregnant at all, then you have a lot of research to do.

4) Your infertility (or loss) makes me uncomfortable.

This one doesn't even HAVE to be said. I've been places where there were quite a few of us talking. Eventually, someone asks me about my struggles. It never fails - most of the time one or two people will just get up and walk away. It's disgusting. I've had a few people tell me I make them uncomfortable. I totally understand that, but I get uncomfortable too. I get uncomfortable when I'm around pregnant women. I get uncomfortable when a pregnant woman rubs her belly constantly, complains about how long pregnancy is, talks about how blessed she is in front of me, etc. I get uncomfortable in many situations now. I have dealt with so many situations and I only get up and walk away when it is a situation that has made me uncomfortable for months and keeps going, without fail. Other than that, I sit there and deal with it even if I don't want to. Telling someone to stop talking about their infertility or loss, a family member's death, or any other stressful/painful situation because it makes you uncomfortable is hurtful and selfish. To just get up and walk away in a very obvious manner is rude. I have a fellow RPL sister who was told by her mother that she made her sister uncomfortable when she talked about her losses, so she needed to stop and be sensitive to her. Her sister was pregnant. Yet, her mother didn't care to tell the sister to stop complaining about her pregnancy, bragging, etcetera. This stuff isn't fair. No, we shouldn't just sit there and talk about it constantly, but a conversation helps us. Our situations may make you uncomfortable for a moment, but every day life hurts us. We are uncomfortable constantly. This world celebrates fertility, showcases it. Infertility and loss is still shameful and embarrassing, even though it has come a long way over the past few years. Help break that stigma. Just let us talk about it, work past your slight discomfort and try to understand. Us hurting does not hurt you.

Secondary infertility is hard. Pregnancy loss is hard. The last thing we need is a stupid comment. Most of us, including me, get several. More people would be open with their struggles if people weren't so hurtful. There should be no shame in infertility or loss. Please educate yourself on infertility and loss for your friends and family members. Just because you don't hear about it, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Just because you know about it and it isn't being talked about, doesn't mean it isn't hurting. Just because we're smiling doesn't mean we aren't sad. Be helpful, not hurtful.

Monday, July 27, 2015

I pee evap lines.

So, I woke up this morning and decided to take a pregnancy test. Why? I'm not really sure. I thought "Well, I'm somewhere around 7-8dpo, and I'm bored".

I got this.

{Don't mind my fingernails from removing mascara}
It looks like a faint positive line. It was clear as day. I put Audrey in a big sister shirt. My husband was home and saw it immediately - we thought I was for sure pregnant! I did a few things around the house and went back to it and it was gone. Not completely gone. There was a tiny sliver of a line left, without color, and it looked like some dust collected in it (like an indention in it with some dust). But after wiping it off, I saw what looked like my normal evap line (barely there, every cycle), but still too thin. How this line was there and then gone, I don't know. I had that happen with Sunny, but it didn't turn into a weird sliver either.

I really don't know what is going on. I took a FRER with a 1.5 hour hold (which was stupid of me) and it was stark white. However, I think it is more likely that I am 7dpo than 8dpo, and I'm still feeling like I'll have better luck next month with clomid, hopefully!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Live your life.

So, the past few weeks have been pretty uneventful.

We did try to get pregnant this cycle, but we have been very relaxed about it. I've actually drank a few times, two of those resulting in getting drunk. I don't mind one bit. I deserved a relaxing cycle. I am only about 6dpo today, so it is still too early to take a pregnancy test, although I'm pretty positive I'm not pregnant after all of the partying I've done! I do plan on cutting alcohol out almost completely for a couple of months in hopes that it helps, but I do want to have a Halloween party if I'm not pregnant by then. It was so nice just letting go, though. I didn't realize how badly I needed it.

I will probably still talk to my OB about clomid next week, but I have been so drained this year. I'm done with that. This journey is the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced. It's too hard, so we are taking a break on the "hardcore" trying for a few months, even if we use clomid. I think about it too much and I'm so sick of it, so that's that! We will obviously still be using our normal things and timing it right, but I'm not dwelling on the "what-ifs".

Our Hope's due date was last week, and I actually did amazing all day. On Sunny's due date in March, our loss with Hope was still so fresh that I was a mess. This due date was so much easier, and for that, I am incredibly thankful. Time has definitely healed my wounds a lot. It is still really hard to  see a pregnant women with 3+ children already, or someone's birth announcement who was due the same week as I was. But it isn't as hard as it was a few months ago.

I've had my share of annoyances over the past year and a half. A couple of friends who turned out not to be friends at all. A family member who tries hard to make my life miserable. Insensitive comments. People without empathy. People who see me post about my struggles and then go discuss them with others, along with their opinions on why I lost my babies and can't get pregnant easily. {These are usually "she's too stressed out, maybe if she stressed less she would quit miscarrying", "she isn't trying hard enough", "she's having sex at the wrong times", "she needs to lose weight", and probably a slew of horrifying, satanic things I don't want to hear (but karma is a bitch)}.

As devastating as this journey has been, and still is, I've realized that people aren't what they seem. I have met some amazing people since losing my babies. I've rekindled friendships with others who have reached out to me with kindness. I've disliked friends and family members for their insensitivity, and I've realized that some people are just hateful. I've found out that people can fake kindness because they are "Christians", but behind closed doors they do and say some terrible things. I've found out who my friends and family truly are. In a way, that is a blessing, because there is no sense wasting time on people who just want to see you suffer.

I've had a lot of time to think lately. To cut people out of my life. To watch friends ignore me, to hear awful comments, and realize...I don't have to deal with this anymore. I am not going to let other people and the way they act affect me any longer. It is best to do a lot of ignoring and avoiding yourself. It doesn't matter if your situation makes people uncomfortable - it doesn't mean someone can be nasty to you or just drop you, their "friend", like a fly. We are all worth more than that. Don't let someone hurt you, or make you feel inferior.

With all of that, I can finally say that I am the most relaxed I have been in a long time. Less hurtful people, less hurtful comments, more friends, more laughing, more happiness. This past month has been an absolute blast. I hope to continue that. I can't say that another loss wouldn't almost kill me again, because it probably would. But I can't think about that right now. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen?

Ladies, do not let this burden eat you alive. Life is too short to be miserable...cut the negativity out and do what makes you happy. Don't look back on this time and regret letting the sadness and emptiness take over your life.

Love you, girls!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Can you feel me when I think about you?

So, I got my angel babies tattoo! It still needs to be touched up in a few places, and I'm still trying to decide on a few more details. I *love* it, besides the lettering. It looked great on paper, but she didn't do it very straight and I'm quite aggravated since it's permanent. I can live with it besides a few little spots, and I'm hoping it can be easily fixed somehow...but I really don't know. I looked in the mirror after she did it as well and it looked fine in the mirror, but of course it was flipped. My favorite part is the little bird and the tree limb on the bottom. That bird represents Audrey, and the two up top represent Hope and Sunny. I think I want those completely filled in as well.

The outline around the words is supposed to represent me, since it is a large bird. I originally wanted it a little bit more faint but now I think I want it outlined more, to make it darker.

Our miscarriage date with Sunny is in three days, and our due date with Hope is in eight days. I'm actually doing MUCH better this time around than I was in March with Sunny's due date, probably because I was freshly mourning Hope. My mom will be in for this due date as well so I think that will help me keep my mind off of things.

I think I am on cycle day 9 - I did take soy but I haven't been keeping track. I didn't track my BBT last cycle and I'm not tracking it this cycle, either. We're still trying, but with much less stress. We will see if it works, but I doubt it. Back to the doctor in a few weeks!


Thursday, July 2, 2015

life update.

{I apologize for how long it has been since I've posted an update. We got a new dog, and he chewed through my laptop cord. My new cord is on its way. I am writing this on my phone so if there are any typos, I will have to fix them later. Bear with me. }

Quite a lot has happened since the last update. First of all, my husband got a new job! We are so excited. He has been wanting this for such a long time. We will be moving eventually, so we have been very busy (slowly) getting this house ready to sell. I have multiple boxes full of stuff to pack away that we don't need right now plus stuff to sell, and the house has been pretty cluttered due to trying to declutter. Funny how that works. We are in the middle of staining our kitchen cabinets now and we have a few more updates we want to do.

Due to all of this, we may have missed our fertile time this cycle. I'm not quite sure, but it is highly possible. After that little situation, we had our OB appointment a couple of days later. It was the last day of our insurance for a month, and I planned on talking to him about clomid or femara since my RE has shown zero interest in helping me get pregnant until I spend thousands of dollars on every test imaginable. Well, what do you know...a few mminutes before my appointment I got a call saying my OB had an emergency c-section and we would have to reschedule. For August, when my insurance starts up again. I spent the next ten minutes on the verge of tears. We went somewhere a few minutes later and as we were about to get out of the car, a pregnant women with three small children walked in front of our car. Yes, I did start bawling.

So now I am hoping that somehow I am wrong this month and I get a BFP, but it is not something I am expecting. So next cycle I will take soy isoflavones AGAIN, and then ask my OB for clomid/femara in August. I am feeling much better now than I was a week ago. Thank goodness. Also, some good news: I got my last TSH level back...1.9 again! Yahoo.

Lastly...the worse part. We got a new dog a little over a month ago from the humane society. His name is Todd. He is a TOTAL sweetheart! When we got him, he had kennel couugh. He was still loving and cuddly at first, we got him on some antibiotics and all was well. He then started sleeping a lot, which was expected. As soon as the antibiotics finished, he had three days of plauing fetch and being happy! Then he was miserable again and we called for more antibiotics. Next, I started noticing that his eyes started looking funny, and he was running into a few things. I took him to the vet again and was told that he wasn't blind, but he did have ulcers. We got some ointment for his eyes. Then same thing - at the end of the antibiotics he acted a tad better. Not much, but a tad. His eyes looked better and everything! During this entire thing,  I kept thinking...there is something else wrong with this dog. This is not just ulcers and kennel cough.

A couple of days after he was diagnosed with ulcers, I got on Facebook and saw that our him and society posted an update. I couldn't help but cry as I read it. They had a dog that had JUST been diagnosed with canine distemper. They said recently adopted dogs probably wouldn't be affected, but I knew it. I knew that was it. I read up on the symptoms and called my brother (who worked at the vet). He told me after we left last time, the vet said it kind of seemed like our dog might have it, so he would just keep an eye on him since distemper is pretty rare. I called the humane society and told them we were 90% sure that we had a dog with CD and that we had adopted him almost a month prior.

The next day, they announced that they'd found almost 40 dogs with it. I don't know if they were all there or if they counted Todd and other recently adopted dogs. However, since then Todd has went completely blind. He runs into everything. He has also lost control over his legs to an extent. He can barely walk and falls over quite often. He has had several small seizures just in his head and had his first seizure with his hind legs only today (that I have witnessed). We went to the vet again two days ago, and he had lost 7 lbs in less than two weeks. I try so hard to get him to eat. He will only eat wet food, and yesterday I offered him even more and he ended up puking up the excess even though it was done gradually throughout the day.

Our vet suggested putting him down. He told us to call Friday (tomorrow) and let him know how he is doing. He has gotten a bit worse for sure. I just can't believe it. We got this puppy to take our minds off of losing our babies, and now we are going to lose him. We already love him so much. I am quite angry at my luck right now and feel terrible for this sweet dog. He didn't deserve this. He is the sweetest dog ever.

So as per usual, we are playing this game called one step forward, two steps back. It isn't fun. I had lots of hope for 2015 and am still trying to hold out some hope, but right now I'm hoping 2016 is great since we are half way through this year and, well, it sucks.