Sunday, July 26, 2015

Live your life.

So, the past few weeks have been pretty uneventful.

We did try to get pregnant this cycle, but we have been very relaxed about it. I've actually drank a few times, two of those resulting in getting drunk. I don't mind one bit. I deserved a relaxing cycle. I am only about 6dpo today, so it is still too early to take a pregnancy test, although I'm pretty positive I'm not pregnant after all of the partying I've done! I do plan on cutting alcohol out almost completely for a couple of months in hopes that it helps, but I do want to have a Halloween party if I'm not pregnant by then. It was so nice just letting go, though. I didn't realize how badly I needed it.

I will probably still talk to my OB about clomid next week, but I have been so drained this year. I'm done with that. This journey is the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced. It's too hard, so we are taking a break on the "hardcore" trying for a few months, even if we use clomid. I think about it too much and I'm so sick of it, so that's that! We will obviously still be using our normal things and timing it right, but I'm not dwelling on the "what-ifs".

Our Hope's due date was last week, and I actually did amazing all day. On Sunny's due date in March, our loss with Hope was still so fresh that I was a mess. This due date was so much easier, and for that, I am incredibly thankful. Time has definitely healed my wounds a lot. It is still really hard to  see a pregnant women with 3+ children already, or someone's birth announcement who was due the same week as I was. But it isn't as hard as it was a few months ago.

I've had my share of annoyances over the past year and a half. A couple of friends who turned out not to be friends at all. A family member who tries hard to make my life miserable. Insensitive comments. People without empathy. People who see me post about my struggles and then go discuss them with others, along with their opinions on why I lost my babies and can't get pregnant easily. {These are usually "she's too stressed out, maybe if she stressed less she would quit miscarrying", "she isn't trying hard enough", "she's having sex at the wrong times", "she needs to lose weight", and probably a slew of horrifying, satanic things I don't want to hear (but karma is a bitch)}.

As devastating as this journey has been, and still is, I've realized that people aren't what they seem. I have met some amazing people since losing my babies. I've rekindled friendships with others who have reached out to me with kindness. I've disliked friends and family members for their insensitivity, and I've realized that some people are just hateful. I've found out that people can fake kindness because they are "Christians", but behind closed doors they do and say some terrible things. I've found out who my friends and family truly are. In a way, that is a blessing, because there is no sense wasting time on people who just want to see you suffer.

I've had a lot of time to think lately. To cut people out of my life. To watch friends ignore me, to hear awful comments, and realize...I don't have to deal with this anymore. I am not going to let other people and the way they act affect me any longer. It is best to do a lot of ignoring and avoiding yourself. It doesn't matter if your situation makes people uncomfortable - it doesn't mean someone can be nasty to you or just drop you, their "friend", like a fly. We are all worth more than that. Don't let someone hurt you, or make you feel inferior.

With all of that, I can finally say that I am the most relaxed I have been in a long time. Less hurtful people, less hurtful comments, more friends, more laughing, more happiness. This past month has been an absolute blast. I hope to continue that. I can't say that another loss wouldn't almost kill me again, because it probably would. But I can't think about that right now. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen?

Ladies, do not let this burden eat you alive. Life is too short to be miserable...cut the negativity out and do what makes you happy. Don't look back on this time and regret letting the sadness and emptiness take over your life.

Love you, girls!

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