Sunday, January 31, 2016

That "Look".

I am thrilled to be pregnant - obviously. Don't get me wrong.

However, sometimes I feel guilty. For instance, two days ago, I was out shopping for Audrey's birthday party decorations. I had Audrey with me, and was trying to keep her close to me while looking around, which wasn't easy since I'm 26 weeks pregnant and she is a wild almost three year old who had already been to several other stores.

I was walking around and kept making eye contact with this couple, especially the woman. They looked to be in their early to mid-thirties, and didn't have a child with them. The woman kept staring at Audrey and my belly, and she looked sad. I have absolutely no way of knowing if it was because they were having trouble, but it reminded me so much of the look I always had on my face when I was struggling. It broke my heart. I just wanted to hide my belly. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Things like that hurt so much. I could easily have been misreading the situation, but I just kept thinking "This woman is looking at me thinking I'm a fertile myrtle, and to her I may be, but I just want to tell her I'm not. This wasn't easy for me. " I wanted to hug her.

I feel sad every time I post about my pregnancy on Facebook, every time I post a belly picture or ultrasound picture. I know there are a few people that probably get sad anytime they see me or someone else post about being pregnant or about our babies. I still post because I'm excited, and everyone else always did it. But I always try not to say anything like "I'm so lucky", or "I'm so blessed". I have said "I'm so thankful", "I can't wait to meet him", etcetera. But I always try not to word things in a bragging way. I also would never be upset at someone for hiding me from Facebook if I was hurting them. Been there, done that.

It is amazing how I can still relate so much to the infertile/miscarriage community, and even though I have one living child, and am pregnant again, I still remember the pain so well. I still feel like I'm there, it feels like just yesterday I was bitter as can be.

I hope I can always remember, so that I can always be empathetic. Having healthy babies isn't something everyone gets to experience. I really am so incredibly thankful for this hard journey for that one reason. It allows me to truly realize how special this all really is. I will never take my babies for granted.

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